Hey there, thanks for fluttering by! Feel free to fly in to see Ms. Nasty and Me anytime. We are always adding new Word Arrangements from the soul and we are open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. However, if you are here to cause us more heartache, PLEASE EXIT NOW.
The knife is in my back already - there is no need to twist!
**The truth is often painful, so as you read the thoughts shared here keep in mind - it only hurts when I breath. Exhaling eases this pain, as I am reminded of the gift of His Love. So breath easy and exhale often if you choose to read the truths of my life. I have no time for lies, nor do I have the need to exaggerate. I have left some details of my story out for the sake of my own sanity. Of course, when you are finished reading what I have shared you will think, "You mean there is more?" So let me just tell you now, the only untruths here are the exclusion of some painful details experienced along my Walk of Life. If you choose not to walk through my pain - and trust me I won't blame you - please exit my home away from home.**
Now that the warnings have been given... let's step on to My Walk of Life!
I was born on May 15, 1968 with a CHD known as Pulmonary Stenosis. I also had eight holes in my heart, which eventually healed themselves. By the age of one, I had already undergone two open heart surgeries in order to repair my pulmonary valve and the artery leading from my heart to my lungs. As time went on, my family and I thought I would spend the remainder of my life living as normally as everyone else. (Whatever normal means!) However, at the age of thirteen, it became clear this would not prove true when the wires on my breast bone had to be replaced. In comparison to what would follow, this part was a simple walk in the park.
I had visited Texas Children's Heart Center each summer my whole life for routine tests; routine that is until I turned fifteen. At this time technicians discovered my pulmonary valve had deteriorated. All I really recall from this time is the fact they kept repeating, "I don't see it, do you see it?" I promptly informed them it must be there, because I had not removed my heart. That's when I had my first artificial valve implanted.
They call it a Pulmonary Valved Conduit, but this is just a fancy name for a pig valve and the artificial tube which acts as an artery. That's right folks an ordinary pig valve and a piece of plastic tubing saved my life! No matter how wonderful this miracle is, the fact still remains my artificial valve and artery must be replaced each eight to ten years. As you can imagine my heart problems lead me to question our Lord God and I spent many of my years angry at Him. During this time of anger I walked a road far less than the one He had paved for me. However, this knowledge would not come to me until years later.
As a part of my rebellion I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on March 13, 1991. The cardiologist and my family had all warned against this pregnancy stating I would not live through the birthing process and if I did, my quality of life would never be the same. I had the easiest pregnancy and by the Grace of God alone I gave birth to a healthy child who not only improved my quality of life, but opened doors in my soul I did not know were closed.
On January 19, 1994 it was time to replace my valve again. It was after this valve replacement my physical quality of life changed. It was also following this surgery I found our Lord God waiting patiently for me to take His Hand. I had promised a child-hood friend should I live through yet another open heart surgery I would go to Church and try to find this God of hers. It only took a few visits to area Churches before I felt the Love of the Great I Am as He sat beside me on that pew. I will never forget the day in 1995, or the way it felt to finally know of His Unconditional Love. Brother Dale was preaching from the Book of Romans Chapter 12; 9-21. I suggest you read these wonderful passages, which tell of loving without dissimulation. This only means don't be fake, so don't let the big five dollar word freak you out. Unfortunately, like so many others, my child-hood friend walked away before I kept my word to her. I hope one day to be able to tell her Thanks!
As I began my walk with the Lord, my live in boyfriend and I decided to get married. This brought two children into my life, whom I will always hold dear to my soul. Together we grew in our Christianity and began to open our home to other children. This was a wonderful time in my life, though I would soon realize my new walk would not erase the past. I found myself reliving memories I had buried for many years. Flashbacks of sexual, mental and physical abuse began to take over my mind and I found myself questioning the love I had thought was true. You see, at birth my biological father was not there and my mother had remarried to a man who would molest me from the age of four-teen, until I was twenty one. As if this were not enough mother was physically and mentally abusive for as long as I can remember. I was raised in a home filled with anger, lies, abuse and drugs. It is no wonder I became addicted to not only drugs but abusive relationships as well. I guess I should have known of His Love when I was able to rid myself of a cocaine addiction in the year 1989 (back stepping a bit) but I had always been skeptical, so it was going to take much more for this Ole Gal! (Back on track)
In the year of 1996 I had my first mental breakdown. This was a very difficult time for my family and many people were affected by my break down. I began to see a therapist who would encourage us to move as far away from my biological family as possilbe. She told my husband I would never be mentally healthy as long as I was within my mother's control. Within a few months he would take a job transfer which moved us to Gainesville Texas, six hours from our hometown. During this time my faith in our Lord God continued to grow and by the Power of His Greatness, I began to crawl out of the dark hole I had been living in.
My husband and I tried to save our marriage as I swam through my own personal hell. Though he was a good and honorable man we were unable to survive my mental breakdown. Within a year my daughter and I would move back to Houston and into my mother's home. Within a month a disagreement between mother and myself would end in her physical abuse once again. On this day she left with my daughter while I tried to gather our belongings. I called her cell phone telling her if she did not bring my daughter home within twenty minutes, I would call the police and have her charged with kidnapping and battery. Knowing I had a black eye and knots on my head, while she was mark free, she returned my daughter. We would then live with one of my dearest friends until we found a home of our own.
Shortly after this altercation my Grandmother would be on her death bed. During one of my visits she begged me to allow mother back into our lives, stating it was unfair of me to keep her out of our lives. I refused her request stating I could not allow mother to continue beating me, much less get her hands on my daughter. Upon her passing I honored her request, allowing mother back into our lives. (You will see later what a mistake this was.)
This time with my daughter was the most special part of my life, though it did not last near long enough. Between the years 1998 and 2001 a great deal of things transpired. Since the heartache ended up outweighing the good, we will just skip the details. I will say this however - all of these things could have been avoided, had I been strong enough mentally to walk away from yesteryear and those who were bringing heartache into my life.
And then it hit, the dark years of 2001 and 2002
In 2001 I started to realize I am not immortal. I had spent most of my life thinking I must be immortal; after all I had been pronounced dead several times during surgery and He always seen fit to bring me back. It was getting close to the time when I would need open heart surgery once again and fear gripped me in such a way I was unable to function as a mother. By March of 2002, I couldn't take care of me anymore, much less My Precious Daughters. I say daughters here because in getting married in the year 2000 I gained another beautiful child. Though this was not a legally binding marriage, it was a very true marriage of the heart and soul. Between our baggage, the load was just too heavy to carry and we separated the day before my daughter turned eleven. This winds up being a part of the heartache which outweighed the joy, so it is unmentioned above.
In my time of mental anguish I turned to the only person I trusted to care for my daughter in the same manner I would. Though my mother had been physically and mentally abusive towards my brother and me, she had always treated my daughter like the Angel she is and I still believed in her love. I still believed she would help me during my time of desperate need. This proved to be the biggest mistake of my life and two months after sending my daughter to stay with my mother, she took me to court for custody. This came after she hid my daughter from me for over a month. I was so taken aback by her actions I could not stand and fight. First of all, I was already in a weakened mental state and secondly, I had never stood up to my mother in my life. She had always controlled and manipulated me and there she was, pulling her final mental cord. See, I told you allowing her back in our lives was a mistake! Oh well, live and learn. The worst part about this philosophy, is some things just cannot be taken back. This is one of those things. Though I hate to admit this it is truth, so I'm going to add it here. Up to this point, I had been free of crack cocaine for going on fourteen years. Sadly, in my weakened state I fell off of the sobriety wagon for six months. This is not something I am proud of, any more than I am proud of the fact I had been an active addict fourteen years earlier. I had stayed clean for so many years by telling myself if I ever smoked crack again, I would smoke it until the day I died. When I feel off of the wagon it was never about getting high; all I wanted was to be dead. However, I do not believe in suicide, nor am I brave - or is it weak enough - to just pull the trigger. I had lost everything and everyone I love; I just wanted it all to end. Yes I am clean and have been since moving to Virginia from Texas, in November of 2002. I still believe I did the best thing for my daughter. She did not need to be with me as I twisted off inside of my mind. Our home was not a healthy environment for anybody, much less an eleven year old child. I just wish I would have looked at other options; one which would have brought her back to me by now.
Though I miss my daughter terribly, several good things did occur following my mothers betrayal. First, I was able to remove myself from the power of her painful grip. I moved from my home town which I had tried to do several times, to the state of Virginia. I had really come here just to clear my mind so I could gain the strength to stand against my mother and take back what was mine. However, I began to realize living in Houston was not healthy for me. I had tried to move away from mother many times and each time I was either dragged back kicking and screaming, or came running home. In realizing I would never be happy there, I also realized I would never be mentally healthy enough to care for my daughter if I were living where all of my demons, failures and heartaches reside. Should she ever decide to come home to my heart, I want and need to be in a healthy place to be the mother she deserves. I hope this makes sense. I also fell in love with the Northern Virginia area and decided this was the perfect place to recondition myself and my thinking. I had never seen a place more beautiful in my life. There are no chemical plants lining the highways; instead there are beautiful trees reaching high towards the Heavens. I soon discovered we lived only twenty minutes from our Nations Capital, Washington D.C. I had never experienced the feeling of awe I am still blessed by each time I visit The Great American City. There is nothing quite like turning right to find the Capital staring you down, except maybe walking up her steps! If we drive an hour west, we are suddenly cast into the Shenandoah Mountain - talk about way too fine. I could live here forever and never tire of the many views He has graced upon the Northern Virginia area.
I became very ill about two months after I arrived in Falls Church, VA. and ended up in the hospital off and on for three months. Apparently during my time of mental decline, I was not taking care of my physical body either and a bacterial infection had set down on my artificial valve. I had been warned since I was fifteen should this happen it would be life threatening. However the Lord God spared my life once again and healing was had. Following my last visit to the hospital a shunt was placed into my left arm, which flowed to the top chamber of my heart. For three weeks I drove daily for one hour each way in order to receive intravenous antibiotics. All of this during a blizzard - what fun! Being from South East Texas, I had never seen real amounts snow, much less 18 inches all at once. The cardiologist who cared for me during this time stated I must have many people Praying for me, because he really had not expected me to pull through.
I did have many people praying for me and they all came from my family at The Starlite Café. This is the second blessing which came my way. I finally knew what the love of family meant. Strangers from around the world sent prayers, cards and the gift of friendship my way. There was a genuine concern for my well being emanating from people whom I had never met in real time. It seems they have read Romans 12; 9-21. I was lifted On High by their Prayers and Blessed by the strength of their love. I can never express the depth of my gratitude or admiration for Sir Albert (the founder of thestarlitecafe) and his Café Family! (Thanks Albert - Rest in Peace My Friend!)
This is the spot where I get to tell you about my Cyber Family! I love them all so very much and cannot begin to find the words which tell of all they did for me during the dark years of my life. I met my Momma Mary at the Café, along with my Cyber Dad Den. They have both taken me under their wings as if I were their own. The Café also opened the door to My Star, My Cyber Sisters Kimmie, Rita, Janice and Mary, My Beautiful Cyber Niece Charl, My Girlies MaryFrances, Sweets, Princess Donna and Sherry; My Hand in Hand Partner Carmen, My Brother Jeff (May You Rest in Peace My Friend), Brother Tennessee, Ms. Wanda, Brother Shelton, and My Wonderful Night Owl Ms. Claudia. Let us not forget My Dearest Friends Sharon O, Sharon P, Luschka, H. Baddley, (proud of me H? I still haven't revealed your name in public, after all this time) Dave and his beautiful balance Ms. Cathy, Rey, Philip, and the Most Amazing Katie Girl! Last, but oh so very far from least My Partner in Crime, Sir Perry! (You know what they say DJ...you always save the best for last!) For those of you I have not listed here, do not think I am unappreciative of the love and support you have given me over the years. If I were to search My Café Family Tree, we would just go on all day, and outsiders may get bored! Let's just skip on down to the next part of my story!
I guess I forgot to mention my Dad, husband number three for mother, was also living in Virginia. I had come here with him when he was transferred from the Houston office. He is my very best friend. During my time of illness, he stood beside me each day praying I would pull through and my Faith in our Lord would stand strong. Stand strong it has and no matter what has been thrown my way, my Faith in Him continues to grow. So you will not confuse my Dad with my molester, let me tell you a bit about him. He and mother started dating when I was about nine years old. My "perfect" family had just fallen apart. My adopted dad - who was not yet molesting me - and mother had separated, my grandfather had left the family for another woman, and my Uncle and his wife had divorced as well, all in one year. I was such a sad child and my fear of abandonment had just started to bloom. When Dad came along he saw how very withdrawn I was from the world and from love. He was the only one who saw it - or at least he was the only one who seemed to care. He promised me when I was ten years old he would never leave me. You know, he's the only one in my family which hasn't, with the exclusion of my grandmother who has gone Home to Heaven. He and mother never legally married, but he was the only Dad I knew during my late child-hood and early teens. They quit living together when I was twelve and mother would not let him see me for two years. When I was fourteen, she called him and told him to come pick me up, stating she could not handle me anymore. Truth be known she had her own problems, which had/have nothing at all to do with me. Though it is truth, I am sure if she were confronted with these facts she would only deny her quilt. She is perfect after all. Anyway, true to his nature, Dad was there in thirty minutes. I can't tell you how many times Dad was there in thirty minutes, because I had needed him. For the most part I lived with him for the remainder of my childhood, going home to mother only twice when she forced my hand. With Dad's love came two brothers, Scott and Ronnie. You will see them a few paragraphs down!
Dad is now in Baghdad, Iraq where he is helping the Iraqi people to build a better and free life. I am so proud of him. Contrary to what the News reports have to say, there are very good things going on in the Middle East at this time. Sadly, war is not a pretty thing, but the majority of the Iraqi people are very thankful for our presence. As of now Dad spends time traveling across Iraq and neighboring countries, training people so they can eventually run their own job sites. Though his traveling across a war zone causes me worry, I have Faith our Lord Jehovah will not allow harm to come his way. Having Faith means I have to believe even if harm does come his way, this is the Lord's Will and it would have happened no matter where he was. I ask you to please keep him in your Prayers; I really do not know what I would do without him.
I am going to back up here a bit to introduce you to my biological father - My Daddie. I love him so much and we had become the best of friends over the years. When I was growing up he would send letters and paintings to my brother and me. Mother would say they were from our Uncle. When I was twelve years old he walked boldly into our home and all of her lies began to unfold. Though I forgave Daddie, my older brother never really developed a healthy relationship with him. I guess he thought in doing so he would be disloyal to our mother. Of course it could simply be he never was able to move beyond the feelings of abandonment. I cannot really speak for him, as we do not discuss the facts often and when we do, we do not see eye to eye. Some topics are just best left alone. My brother has lived with my daughter for four of the six years I have been outcast from the family. Mothers only rule was he not have contact with me, or share any details of my daughters life. She would be happy to know he has obeyed her. Sadly I do not think my brother will ever move beyond mothers painful grip. This makes my heart hurt for him, though I do understand. After all, had she not taken my daughter from me, I may never have been able to either. Anyway, back to my Daddie.
I have one full blooded brother by him and two half brothers. I have met the youngest of us only twice, but my brother Kelly Shea and I developed a wonderful relationship over the years. He came looking for his own answers around 1995. His mother had remarried and taken the boys away, just as my mother had done. Imagine his surprise when he found out he had a brother and a sister he had never heard about. My brother Gary and I knew about Kelly Shea and Kevin, because we had met our father many years before Kelly came looking. Anyway, ya, yam, if you place us all side by side it is almost like looking at my Daddie four times - except of course the fact I am a woman! Daddie looks silly in a woman's body, but you can see him clearly in my eyes. It is amazing how much my three brothers and I look, act and even stand like our father, given the fact none of us were raised by him. I guess it really is all in the genes. Though I love my Daddie very much, our relationship has become strained over the last six years. There are a multitude of reasons, all of which are very painful. I miss my friend and Daddie so very much.
Let's get back on track. My blood family did not come to visit me while I was ill, nor did they call. However, My True Heart Friend Dana did fly here from Texas just to bring me some love. Her time here lifted and reminded me I do not walk this road alone. I have known Dana for about nineteen years. Her daughter was born a few months after my own and we spent much time together over the years with our children. She has been thru so much with me and never once turned her back. I remember clearly the day she pounded on my door during August of 2002 because she had not seen or heard from me in some time. I will never forget the look of heartache in her eyes, as she looked into my soul and listened to my walk thru hell. Nor will I forget the disappointment, which shone clearly thru the windows of her own soul when she realized I had thrown myself back into a world I had worked so hard to free myself from. (Yes, I carry the guilt for this as well. Nobody pushed me over the edge - I just jumped!) Over the next year and a half she would be the only person to attend court with me each time mother summoned me back to Texas. Her love and support will forever shine much brighter than the look of pain on that hotter than hell day in August of 2002. In case you do not realize it Dana I want to tell you now -- you were a very big part of saving my life and bringing me back to reality. Thank You, My Forever True Heart Friend!
I also have a wonderful online friend who posts at The Café under the Pen Name of Brittlstar. She flew here from California to meet me for the first time not long after my final release from the hospital. Though I was still not feeling too great, we had such a great visit. We did many things, including taking daily trips to the hospital for my antibiotics. This wasn't the fun part as you can imagine! We also spent several days in D.C. exploring the Smithsonian Museums and Arlington Cemetery. Though the later sounds a bit morbid, if you are ever in the D.C area I suggest this as one of your stops. The changing of the guards for the Unknown Soldiers Tomb is just amazing.
On my birthday in May of 2003, I flew to Northern California where I spent a month traveling up and down the East Coast and to the State of Utah with Britt and her husband. It had been a year to date since I had seen or talked to my daughter, a trip to Sunny California was just what the doctor ordered! (Yes, my mother began keeping my daughter from me on my birthday - talk about motherly love.) During our travels Britt and I drove down the coast to L.A California, where we visited for two days with my brothers. It had been some time since I had seen them; they provided us with a grand tour of the area.
**An update on my Little Brother. The youngest of us has co-written,
co-produced and will be starring in a movie which should hit the Movie House
during the summer of 2008. I have a trailer to his movie on Ms. Nasty's
Space. Please click on the link provided and scroll down to the bottom
of my page. You will find the trailer on the right hand side of your
screen. Stop by and take a look - you'll be amazed at the all star
cast he is sharing the screen with!
Ms. Nasty's Space**
During my visit to California I had many long talks with our Lord God, as I watched the sun set and rise on the Bay and in the Canyons of Utah. It was such a wonderful experience, and brought forgiveness to my soul. Not only was I able to forgive those which had wronged me over the years, but I was finally able to forgive myself. I found this part of my journey was the most necessary and rewarding. (Blessing Number 3!!) I finally came to a place where I am okay with what has transpired throughout my life and though I miss my daughter more than words can convey, I am at peace with my mistakes. I have come into my own, found love for myself, and acceptance of all which lies ahead. I do not have the words or the space here to express the depth of my soul searching experience. You will just have to take my word for it - I came home to Virginia a much different person than I was when I left. I have never been as free spiritually or mentally, as I am today because of my journeys with Susan and Chris.
Have I said Thank You Star and UC? I'm sure I have, but just so you know, you really played a very big part in saving my life and I Love You! Though we do not speak often these days, you are always in my heart and in my thoughts. It is my Prayer you both find the same peace, which my time spent with you offered my soul. I will always love and appreciate you so very much.
Upon my return to Virginia I started dating for the first time since March of 2002 - it had been one year and eight months. During this time I had lost my whole family; or so it seems. I lost my daughter, my mother, and her fourth husband of fifteen years. I became estranged from my biological father and my brothers and in the divorce from my husband I lost my precious step daughter. I really dislike this term, she is my daughter - I do not step on her and she does not step on me. I didn't think I would ever trust again, much less love someone.
However, our Lord God had other plans for me and He sent my husband to teach me what true love and commitment are about. You read right, my husband. (Blessing #4!!!) We were married six months after we started dating on a beautiful, snowy day in January. This has been the happiest four years of my life. Besides the birth of my daughter, I have never known of anything more beautiful than his love. The first glimpse of him opened my heart again. I will stand eternally grateful for his unconditional love and support. Believe it or not he doesn't even seem to notice the baggage I arrived with. He has brought into my world a love I had never known. Oddly enough, we both grew up in Texas about fifteen miles from each other. It seems you have to move all the way to Virginia, just to find a good Texan. Just when you thought it couldn't get any more coincidental, he graduated from the same High School my eldest daughter now attends. Crazy - huh?
Though my daughter still lives very far away we had started talking as of January 2004, when I finally received a court order allowing me one hour a week on the phone with her. Some talks were great and some are as you would expect. In June of 2005 she asked I not call her anymore, stating it was too emotionally stressful for her when we hung up. Not knowing what else to do I have respected her wishes. This hasn't been easy but here's my thinking, which has a fifty-fifty chance of being right or wrong.
I figure if I call every Monday and she doesn't answer like the first year, eight months and eleven days she was gone it will hurt just as bad the second time around. If I call and she answers, but states she doesn't want to talk, that hurts too. Being how I need to stay mentally healthy for her should she change her mind, I decided not to put myself through the devastating heartache of these two possibilities. This may sound a little selfish, my not wanting to go through the heartache, however it really is all about Lauren. I need to be healthy mentally. I already know from past experience, if I call and there is no response I could back slide into a place I do not want to be. I also think there is no need to push her further away by disrespecting her wishes. She has yet to forgive me for getting sick and chances are it will be a very long time before she does. After all, she is now sixteen and living with my mother who is very controlling and manipulative. Sadly, she has convinced my daughter this is all her (my daughter's) doing - guilt trips have always been mother's vacation of choice. If you ask my daughter, she will indeed tell you this was her own doing. Never mind eleven year old children do not get to make adult decisions, nor do they have the money or sense of vindictiveness for such an extensive slaughter of character, through court battles lasting almost two years.
I have only seen my daughter once since this nightmare began, in May of 2004. This day spent with her stopped the clock from ticking at seven hundred and twenty three days since I had seen her last. Of course it is ticking once again and has now tolled one thousand four hundred and twenty six days since I have seen her. Today is February 14th, 2008 so if you are viewing after this date, just add to it until you hear I have been blessed by her presence once again. I really must get a ticker for my site, so I don't have to keep count in my soul anymore.
My mother claims to "love" me. I have to wonder how true this can be given the fact she has only allowed me to see Lauren for four short hours, one time in two thousand one hundred and forty-nine days. (Hey, who's that counting?) Nor has she said or done a thing to encourage Lauren to rebuild our relationship. The court papers say I can visit my daughter when I am in Texas, as long as it is mutually agreeable. Needless to say, it has only been agreeable with mother once in almost six years. Did I mention the fact she cannot be bothered with placing a few pictures in an envelope and spending forty one cents on a stamp? I have no idea what my sixteen year old daughter looks like today, though I am sure she is very beautiful. Going back up to the "I wish I had looked at other options" statement above, had I turned to the State of Texas for help instead of mother they would have bent over backwards to reunite our family. I know this because I have been a foster mother before and my foster daughter is now living happily with her biological mother, thanks to the State of Texas and their desire to keep families together. (Or at least the last time I heard, Julie was with her mother; here's Praying they rebuilt a healthy relationship over the years. Julie is now an adult and with any luck at all, she is living on her own and leading a happy life.)
The hardest part of all of this is the damage I know it is doing to my daughter. By last count they have her on three different mind altering drugs to control her moods. It would seem they are preening her to be a drug addict, just as they did with my brother and me. She and those around her may not see it now, but in time My LAM will be the one who suffers the most. I have already swam from beneath the worst of my pain; Lauren has yet to get there. She is being taught the same warped sense of love my brother and I were taught. She doesn't have "Dad" to catch her when she realizes the love she thinks is true, is nothing more than a mask of lies. I can only hope and Pray she will turn to me when this happens and trust me, it will happen. Please, above all else, hold my young daughter in your Prayers. I have the Faith in Him to see her through in the end, but I know from my own experience she will have to swim in hell first. For the record I visit Texas three to four times a year, in the hopes of seeing My Littlest LAM. My letters to her go left unanswered.
I have a wonderful relationship with my chosen daughter Shea. Thankfully my ex-husband and I have come to a place where we can put her needs above our own heartache and pain. When visiting Texas she stays with me, which should be a good indication I am not a bad mother. There is no way my ex-husband or his family would allow her to stay with me unsupervised if they felt otherwise. I am grateful to my ex-husband and ex-mother-in-law for allowing me to remain a part of their chosen family. On the norm I speak with Shea at least four times a month. If I fail to call her, she will ring my line just to remind me how much she loves me. Her love is unconditional, given freely and one of the most beautiful expressions I have ever known.
I finally had my open heart surgery on March 04, 2005. Hey, they were only a year and a half behind schedule! It was a flying success and once again Our Lord has seen fit to let me stay amongst those I have grown to love so very much. (Obviously) This valve replacement was far different than the others, in several ways. First of all, mother has always been beside me during these trials, not to mention the rest of my blood family. As the clock ticked on this shift, my husband, my Dad (he flew in from Iraq for three days to be by my side), Aunt Jackie (biological father's sister) and Toni Klemins (biological father's ex wife) were by my side. My Aunt flew in from St. Luis and Toni flew in from Texas. There was the very real fear of passing, without seeing my beautiful daughter again. (I guess there still is.) I think this only offers me strength, as I know there are still important issues for me take care of. On a much happier note My Pooh Bear, which is not a Winnie the Pooh, was there when I woke up. He has been thru all of my surgeries with me. Mother always washed him and when I woke up in ICU, he was always the first thing I saw. This time my husband gave him a bath. I was so surprised to see him there when I woke, not knowing Gregg had packed him. Funny - or is it just plain sad - a stuffed animal is the only thing still with me after all of these years. Secondly it only took four and a half hours, compared to the fifteen hours the previous open heart had lasted. I fared much better following my surgery, since my lungs did not collapse as they have in the past. I do belive this has a lot to do with the fact I live in a pretty stress free environment now. My hospital stay lasted from Friday morning at 6:00 AM until Wednesday morning at 8:00 AM; this is about a ten day difference from past memorable experiences. The third and most important difference - it seems because they used human parts this time, I may never have to experience another valve replacement! Isn't that exciting? Bet your bottom it is! Of course this is only a possibility, as once again I am a guinea pig. I don't mind being a guinea pig, as there are far worse CHD's out there and it offers us the opportunity to help others in the future. I choose to believe our Lord thinks I have had enough of this test. I do realize of course, this only means there will be a different one around the corner. Hey, I'm up for a new challenge!
So that's my story in a nut shell. I guess if you are still reading it is because you are waiting to get to the words of My Muse. I have shared all of this personal information with you for this exact reason. Not only do I write of The Great I Am, but I also pen of the pains and joys found along my Walk of Life. This tale of my trials and tribulations will better help you understand the emotions found within Nasty Angels Pen.
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peace and harmony, where the trials and tribulations can be washed away by Ms. Nasty's Pen!
Oh yeah, should you care to venture around Nasty Angels Musings,
the links to do so can be found below.
Have a wonderful day and don't forget to keep a smile on!
In His Word-With His Love,
Kesia aka Nasty Angel
